Should Have Installed Locks
by Ikasury
Summary: Its Happened! Its finally here! The time to take back Earth! Too bad there's a few hours left to kill while in transit to the decimated planet and Shepard's got nothing better to do... too bad everyone else has all kinds of things to do!


**A/N:** god i am one demented sonvabitch... XD

okay, so despite all the demented stuff going on in my life, soul-searching, and re-evaluating my relationships, i'm sitting here and playing 'Legend of Dragoon' on my ps3, cause i rock old school so hard, WHILE reading a Mass Effect fic, since i'm only half paying attention to LOD cause i'm and its a pain, when i suddenly get this demented, brilliant! idea :3 now that i think about it, i've been dying to do something like this since i saw the scene with Garrus and Tali at the end, but yea, this just took the cake, so i had to turn off PS3 cause battle-music is not contuitive to writing, and completely ignored the story i was reading even though i was like halfway through a chap... and sat down to write this baby out!

no, not continuing 'Smite', or working on that half-finished chap for 'Hyuuga', or one of the 5 half-written stories for 'HoneyFluff', or even getting rolling on Rise's chapter for 'Another'... NO! i write this... XD

-worst writer ever-

oh well... :3 Shep's Female (obviously) Infiltrator (cause i love sneaking in invisible) and a hopeless romantic, despite my own desires i've some how tormented my Commander to constantly setting herself up for failure, she tried hitting on Samara and couldn't get anywhere with all the male characters for one reason or another (damn you logic! and rashes! and hallucinogens! and being a stereotype!) so yea, set up for failure since Kaiden died and blah blah blah... plus, oh yea, she bitched and complained to Liara back when taking over the Shadow Broker thing, so yea... XD poor Shepard :3

**Dis:**Bioware owns this business... i'm just tormenting my character :3

ENJOY!

* * *

Should have installed locks…

"Alright Shepard, this is the final push, with the data you retrieved we can start putting our plan into action…" Admiral Hackett went on in his stoic gravelly voice, explaining in detail to Commander Shepard and Anderson what was to be expected for the 'final battle' when the Normandy and the fleets hit earth. Shepard was absently nodding, already knowing generally what was to be expected, and already calculating how many ways this could be screwed up, since in her experience things generally tended towards FUBAR before they got better. Anderson made some comment about the resistance, Hackett nodded, and it seemed some consensus was made. Absently Shepard could only think that Legion would be proud. –_Ow… that hurt…_- thinking about the sentient geth brought a pang of sorrow to the woman's chest, remembering his sacrifice in making peace with his 'creators'.

"… Anyway, that's all for now, Hackett out." With a blip from the hologram Shepard snapped back to attention, managing a salute to the 'High' Admiral before he was completely gone.

There was a light chuckle to her left, "Spacing out there a second Shepard?"

"Just remembering old friends," the hardened woman said tersely, pouting as the older military man sighed deeply, "I understand the mission, so if there's nothing else…" she left the hanging, being polite to her senior and old friend even if it was obvious she wanted to leave quickly.

"Right," Anderson chuckled again, he waved his holographic hand, "Go on, get out of here, you've still got a few hours until you and the fleets reach earth, better get some rest," his grin become somewhat smug, widening only the slightest, "You'll definitely need it when you get here, Anderson out."

Giving another salute to her senior, the commander watched as the vibrant blue of the hologram blipped out. Without thinking Shepard gave a long exaggerated sigh, "Get some rest he says, 'you'll need it' he says," taking her hands off her hips the commander stretches, turning around mid-stretch and walking into the war-room.

The circular room was practically empty, only a few technicians monitoring screens on the walls and two fixing whatever it was below the holographic screen for assets that always seemed on the fritz. Giving a snort as she lowered her arms, placing her hand intimidatingly back on her hips she strode up to the main fixture of the room, the assets monitor. Taking a glance and seeing that all the fleets were as prepared as they ever were going to be, and projections suggested minimal casualties due to the sheer numbers of the forces she'd spent how long gathering, the commander turned it back to standby and made her way out of the war-room, completely ignoring those two technicians that seemed to be ogling each other and whispering sweet-nothings in each other's ears.

The spectre rolled her eyes, hadn't people heard of getting a room?

Stepping into the 'gateway' to the more classified section of the main deck, she walked into the scanner without batting an eye.

"So I heard we'll be heading to earth soon!" one of the door guards said, Shepard could never remember their names.

"I know, right!" the other one was leaning over the desk, and if Shepard didn't know any better she was squeezing her… 'chest' together rather suggestively, "Could be real dangerous? We might die if we help out?" as the woman raised her brow Shepard decided she was indeed trying to be suggestive.

When was this damn scan going to be done?

"Oh yea?" the first one said, thankfully keeping her hands on her gun, "Suppose you're right," the woman looked up at the ceiling like she was thinking of something serious. Shepard was honestly wondering if the woman was that clueless? "Anything you want to do before we land?" the sharp look in her eyes as she laid them on the other guard completely wiped away any doubts she was oblivious.

-_Come on! How long does it take to scan I don't have any bloody weapons!_- It wasn't that the commander had anything against her subordinates… 'having _fun!_' she just sure as hell didn't want to see it!

"Weeeellll~" The smirk and suggestive way the other guard flipped her hair and looked at the first woman just sealed the deal…

"I'm done here," Shepard said flatly, completely ignoring the surprised looks on the guards or the machine blaring that it wasn't finished…

"Uh… C-Comander-" "W-Wait! Y-you can't-!"

"Can, and will, have _'fun_' while I'm gone," the obviously disgruntled leader threw over her shoulder as she exited the room, not caring that both woman were blushing up a storm.

As soon as the commander stepped into the CIC room she could hear Traynor's familiar, "Commander, you have-"

With one hand raised and the other pinching the bridge of her nose giving the universal sign of 'one moment, plase!'

Traynor blinked, fidgeted a moment at the commander's raised hand and rather distraught look. The communications specialist looked around the room, not sure what to do.

After a deep sigh Shepard removed her hand and looked at the woman trying to gain her attention, "Okay, now, what was it specialist Traynor?"

Still fidgeting slightly, Traynor looked at her commander, "W-well I just wanted to inform you there were messages on your private termanial," the flat look that met the dark haired woman suggest the commander expected as much, "A-also, the crew has been informed of the impending trip to Earth…"

"Eavesdropping is a bad habit specialist," despite the chiding in her voice the smirk on the commander's lips spoke otherwise.

"Yes, well, since I am responsible for managing those 'secret meetings'," it was funny that she used air-quotes, "its rather hard not to listen in once and awhile…"

The commander only smirked with her arms crossed, "Very well, if there's nothing else, carry on Tray-"

"Actually there is something else," the specialist fidgeted again, looking up as her superior rose a brow, "Since it'll be awhile before we hit Earth, and I'm not necessarily needed to relay any communications in transit, I was wondering if I could…" by the end of her left-open request the junior woman was looking at the elevator half-longingly, it had been awhile since she'd gotten some R&R.

There was another deep sigh from the woman's left, "Go on," Shepard gave a dismissive wave, already heading towards the cockpit, "Have some down time, Traynor."

Popping a salute, "Yes, Ma'am!" and the communications specialist quickly made her way to the elevator, a certain journalist coming to mind that may need some… _company_!

Shepard looked bored as she walked towards the cockpit, ignoring the few salutes and 'Commander's with an absent nod as she looped her thumbs in the belt loops of her civilian attire. –_Finally heading back to Earth huh?_- she thinks to herself, remembering all the 'bargaining' and 'negotiating' she'd been doing since Anderson practically tossed her back on her own ship. –_About damn time…_- there was a slight smirk as she headed up the small steps towards the cockpit. –_Bet Joker can't wait to finally be going back and kicking some ass_- the thought was comforting that they were finally going to be getting back to saving their own people.

That was until she heard what sounded oddly like 'giggling' as the door to the cockpit/airlock opened.

"Jeff, stop~!"

"Oh come on, I can't help it," More giggling from the android, "I'm just too excited that's all sweety…"

Shepard's left eye twitched. In front of her, she wasn't exactly sure _HOW_, but EDI's android body was nestled rather '_comfortably_' in Joker's lap, and his hands didn't look like they were anywhere near the console.

More giggling, "Careful Jeff, wouldn't want something to happen while-" was that a squeak?

"While what?" oh the evil grin was audible, "I do this!" Shepard wasn't sure but she was sure the ship just jerked as EDI's android body seemingly 'squeaked' again. There was definitely a perverted laugh from the human male.

Shepard's left eye was still twitching…

"Jeff, I _**am**_ driving…" the steel looking body fidgeted as human hand's moved again…

"I know babe," from her position _still_ at the door, Shepard watched as that familiar ball-cap moved down, noting he was more than likely nuzzling into his android woman's neck, "And that's _**Hot!**_"

Pinching the bridge of her nose, breathed out slowly, "I see you're _enjoying_ yourselves."

"Oh hey Commander!" Joker looked over his shoulder, not bothering to turn his chair for once, for 'obvious' reasons, "Hehe, so yea, back to Earth!"

"Jeff, driving…"

"Sorry babe," the man laughed again, "Just can't keep my hands off this hot body of yours…"

Despite neither looking up, nor EDI looking at her, Shepard was sure the android was smirking, "Obviously, though it seems our dear Shepard might have a few concerns at the moment…"

"A few?" said woman said into her hand. Really? He was only man-handling the ship while she was standing RIGHT _**THERE!**_

"Concerns? Like what?" there was no mistaking that playful tone in Joker's voice, "Like what happens when I do this!"

Okay, that was definitely a squeak and the ship _**DEFINITELY**_ jerked that time. Shepard could only raise her head from her hand and glare with her left eye twitching.

Both pilot and ship were laughing despite neither facing the commander.

They were fucking with her, they were _**purposely**_ fucking with her! "Don't do that, again… ever…"

"_This?_" Joker said, doing something with his hands that she couldn't see, eliciting that same 'squeak' from the android but this time no motion from the ship.

Shepard looked around the room curiously, wondering why nothing happened.

"Shepard, I'm an advanced, unshackled AI," there was so a smirk in EDI's voice, "Piloting the ship and interacting with this body are two different things, and I'm rather apt at multitasking…"

"Aww, and here I was having such an ego-boost for distracting a hot AI," Joker whined, nuzzling his mechanical woman.

There was another giggle from the android, "Don't worry Jeff, you're… _attentions_ are occupying more than 80 percent of my processing capabilities…"

"I love it when you talk that way," more hands moving, "So _**hot!**_"

There was a distinct _**smack!**_ As Shepard's hand met face again, "Just… just don't kill us…" with that the commander turned heel and with a _**woosh**_ of the automatic doors quickly left the cockpit.

Of course the door didn't close quickly enough as she heard, "Aye aye Commander! Permission to fondle the ship aye! So long as I don't crash it! Got'cha!" thankfully the door closed before she could catch EDI's waiting witty retort.

Shepard jerkily walked down the catwalk _away_ from the cockpit. When her pilot willing fondled/distracted essentially _THE SHIP_ there was something decidedly _wrong_ with that idea. Yes, wrong, because it could _KILL THEM!_ Thoughts of the various ways EDI's _attention_ being diverted could be disastrous was quickly streaming through her mind. Why, WHY? Had she thought it was a good idea to hook them up? As she stepped into the elevator, determined to spend some mindless time trying to forget what she just saw with gun maintenance, only one thought came to mind as she hit the '5' button, "I'm such an idiot…"

It was as the '3' was passing that a disturbing thought came to mind. –_If EDI's the ship, and this elevator is run by the ship… if in the throes of passion could she forget to run this thing and I'd get stuck in here?_- there was a twitch in her left eye as she absently hit the '5' button again. Repeatedly.

"Shepard, stop hitting that," EDI's amused voice came over the come in the elevator, "Unless you're also trying to… _distract_ me," followed closely by _that_ giggle.

Left eye twitching. Shepard's hand stilled and she thought it took entirely _too long_ to get passed the '4' and for '5' to show up.

As soon as the doors opened, followed by that snide giggle, Shepard exited as quickly as dignity would allow her. –_Too much…_- with jerky steps she made it to the weapons table, finding her beloved Black Widow and quickly hugged the thing. –_Normalcy… plain, unadultered, objective normalcy!_- after putting the thing down she started on her mindless task of 'forgetting' and keeping her pride and joy up to snuff, along with her just as equally loved M-11 Wraith.

It was about ten minutes later that she realized something was very wrong with this picture. Raising her head from her current 'distraction' the commander looked around the cargo bay. It _appeared_ to be empty, which was strange. There weren't any lingering technicians in sight and after walking towards the armor load out she noticed that James wasn't with his own pile of ordinance. –_Strange?_- then there was also the fact that Cortez was missing.

"Hmm?" Curious, Shepard walked towards the Kodiak. Normally Cortez was down here fiddling with this or that on the thing. Stepping around the back she noticed he wasn't there, tweaking some engine part or what not, so she walked around the thing, wondering if he was somewhere else. As she stepped close to the door, deciding that if he wasn't 'outside' the thing he might be 'inside', she tapped a few keys and the door opened.

And saw something she never expected…

"Hmm, you are right; this is rather… _interesting_…"

"I thought you might see it that way," Cortez _was_ in the Kodiak, only not the pilot's seat, and missing his top, "I thought with your _'touch_'-sense you could learn pretty quickly…"

"Do not underestimate me, remember my species was around long before yours knew how to speak," Javik, also topless, trailed a green finger along the human male's chin, "Although, I think I'm finding more and more interesting things about your species every day…"

Cortez gave a _saucy_ smirk, "Glad I could help…"

Shepard was just staring as they drew closer and closer… almost as if to… "Ahem!" she cleared her throat. Suddenly six eyes were on her.

"Oh, Commander!" the pilot flushed, looking around embarrassed.

Javik on the other hand just stared at the woman, "Is there something you need, Shepard?" his large insect head just tilted as all four of his eyes stayed on her, completely unfazed.

"When…" was all she could get out through her shock, left hand absently pointing between the two.

"W-well," Cortez scratched the back of his head with an obvious blush still on his face, "A-after you told me to move on and all… I kinda been talking around and Javik… and…"

"I was curious about your species," the prothean said plainly as if that answered the question. Shepard just blinked, obviously not understand. The ancient alien gave a dismissive snort, "The others were of little help, and Steve here seemed more than helpful in sating my curiosity…"

"Right," she said, still rather shell-shocked, "and the missing shirts?"

"It was hot…" was Javik's simple response.

Cortez just blushed.

The commander blinked, "I'm going to close this door now," with that she tapped a few keys and watched as the thing slid into place.

Of course not before she caught that smirk on the older alien, "A pleasure, Shepard," and if she didn't know any better it looked like he advanced on the lieutenant.

Shepard stood there for a few seconds, just staring at the closed door. Then she blinked, shook her head, and quickly walked towards the elevator, perhaps there was something she could do in engineering, yes, that sounded good. Teasing Tali was always fun and got her mind off things…

As she hit the button to call the elevator her body released an unconscious shutter. –_I had no idea…_- her eye twitched. –_And after that rant he put on about cross-species and…_- "Ugh…" Shepard put her head in her hand as the door to the elevator opened and stepped in without looking. There was a squeak as two technicians, a man and a woman, stopped whatever they were doing and popped nervous salutes at the commander. When they received no response, seeing as the woman that lead them had her head firmly in her hand, the gave each other a look, before the woman grabbed the guys hand and slipped out of the elevator, completely ignoring the deep sigh that escaped Shepard's lips as the doors finally closed.

"There is something wrong with my ship," slipped out of her mouth as she hit the '4' button.

"Is there something the matter Shepard?" of course EDI would be listening to her.

There was another deep sigh, "No EDI, nothing, just talking to myself…"

"As you wish Shepard," there was silence for a moment, then a squeal, "Oh Jeff, stop…"

"Ugh…" the door opening on the fourth couldn't come fast enough. As soon as that familiar _**woosh!**_ Was heard Shepard stepped out of the giggling box, venturing the idea of next time taking the ducts…

Now standing on the fourth deck, Shepard removed her hand, the first thing she saw was the window into the cargo bay. Momentarily she noticed the technician couple in the middle, stepping towards the Kodiak. –_Wouldn't do that if I were you…_- she absently thought, and watched as the woman tapped a few keys and opened the door while the man leaned down to give her a kiss. They didn't stop until what she assumed was Javik telling them to stop as they both seemed to jump and the door to the Kodiak was open. –_Told ya…_- the commander couldn't help the _slightly_ devious smirk at the two technicians stunned looks, she wondered for a moment if she'd looked like that. After a moment or two she expected the two to close the door and find another dark corner to… do whatever in… -_Not my business…_- she told herself, even if she was the 'Commander' of the Normandy it didn't mean she was in control of everyone's lives. –_No, I just drag them across the galaxy into enemy territory and_- her thought was cut short as she watched the two, grinning, jump into the Kodiak and close the door behind them.

She stared out the window for a few moments, eye twitching. –_There is something wrong with my ship…_- she repeated as she turned towards the port cargo hold. She figured that since she was already down here, couldn't be anything wrong with seeing if Allers had any information or if she was doing a special on the returning to Earth since everyone seemed to know. As the commander stepped up to the door a sudden _feeling_ crawled into the back of her mind, like something was wrong…

As the door opened and she heard 'giggling' she suddenly realized what that sense was…

"Oh… yea, right there… just a bit… uh… yea," That was Allers' voice alright…

"I told you I was good at this… _'game_'," and that was Traynor's voice…

"Why me?" head met hand, they were becoming good friends.

"A-ah! C-Comander!" Traynor fidgeted, not necessarily moving from her position of straddling Allers on the woman's bed.

"Oh Commander!" Allers certainly sounded less 'shocked' and more 'amused', "Care to join us? Sam's a real master with her hands!" the newswoman laughed as she laid naked underneath said specialist.

"No, I think I'll be leaving," Shepard said under her breath, head still in her hand, that was definitely something she didn't need to see.

"Aww," Allers dramatically pouted while Traynor invented a new shade of red, "Well, hey, since you're here, want to do another interview in your cabin before we reach Earth?" she shouted with a slight smirk as she watched the vaulted Commander Shepard slink out of her room with her hand covering her eyes.

"I think I'm fine… without one!" the commander tossed over her shoulder, quick to leave as the woman's laughter was the last thing she heard before the _**woosh!**_ Of the automatic door closing. As soon as the door was closed Shepard lowered her hand, took a deep breath, and with fists at her sides made her way towards engineering, teasing Tali, yes, that was her purpose down here. Making fun of her little sister and _**NOT**_ watching lesbian action… or gay action… or any strange combination that she hadn't walked in on already…

One _**woosh!**_ And she was in the catwalk between the hall and engineer. Another _**woosh!**_ And she was in engineering stomping towards Tali's comm before she even noticed said Quarian was nowhere in sight…

"Oh Kenneth, stop!" there was an embarrassed chiding chuckle in the woman's normally so stern voice.

Twitch.

"Aww, come on Gabby," that unmistakable irish accent, "The engines are fine, both chiefs are doing their own 'business', no one around…"

"You're such a dog, Ken," Shepard turned the corner just in time to see that engineer Daniels was sitting on her console, with engeneer Donnelly between her legs, both hands on either side of her pinning her there, as the Irish man leaned in close as the brunette trailed a finger through his beard as their mouths neared each other.

Unfortunately this was the moment Shepard finally decided to snap, "What the hell is going on!" there was a squeak from Daniels and it was rather funny as the two jumped and instead of kissing tenderly bumped each other's heads. Shepard crossed her arms and willed herself to look as intimidating as possible, completely ignoring the laughing going on inside her head.

"Ah… uh… C-C-Comander!" Daniels tried to get up and salute, or something, but her precarious position and being relatively locked in by Donnelly kind of prevented it, "Kenneth!" her hands were on his chest giving an effort to push him off, unfortunately he wasn't budging.

"Aye, Commander?" the Irish engineer ignored the woman squirming in his arms and gave a cheesy grin to the one that ran their ship, "Something you need, or perhaps you'd like to join?"

"Kenneth," there was a mild growl in Daniels voice.

Shepard just stared blankly, "Remember, I am in charge of this ship," both engineers flushed slightly under her glare, "You're lucky I have better things to do," there was a twitch in her left eye but honestly couldn't pull herself to be seriously angry at the two, it wasn't their fault everyone on the ship had suddenly gone sex-crazy! "Where's Tali?"

"Uh…" Daniels tried again to… _disentangle_ herself from Donnelly, again to no avail.

"Yea, the Chief said she was gonna go… _rest up_, and left," Something about the cheesy way he was grinning set off an alarm in Shepard's brain.

The commander narrowed her eyes on the man, keeping her posture as threatening as possible, "And Adams?"

"Went back to his quarters as far as I know," the man was still grinning, probably because Daniels had given up squirming and was just scowling at him now.

"Right," eyes still narrowed Shepard stared at the two a second, "Don't break anything," she quipped before turning right and towards the door. Of course, like all the previous times she couldn't get to the door fast enough…

"We'll be safe Commander!" followed by a loud chuckle and Danials yelling, "Kenneth!"

_**Woosh!**_ One door… _**Woosh!**_ Two doors…

Head firmly in hand Shepard walked into the elevator and hit the '3' button, not removing said appendage.

It was quiet…

"Shepard…"

"Not one word, EDI," The woman breathed deeply, "Not. One. Word."

Silence.

With another _**woosh!**_ The elevator door opened and removing her hand the commander stepped out to the crew deck. The first thing she saw was the memorial wall, their sole reminder of the ultimate sacrifices crew members past and present made for this ship and the journey. At the top were the names of the twenty crewmembers that perished with the original Normandy, along with Aiden whom she had loved and had died saving the galaxy what seemed like a lifetime and a half ago. There was a deep sigh from the commander as she read the three other names added since she left Earth: Mordin Solus, Thane Krios, and last but certainly not least Legion. Staring at the wall she realized all that had happened, all the people she'd met and those she'd lost.

"God I need a drink…" she said under her breath as she turned right and headed for the port observation deck, specifically where they'd installed a well-stocked bar.

With a _**woosh!**_ She stepped in… only to be immediately introduced to quite-drunk Ashely Williams giggling at the bar…

"Oh, Hey Shepard!" the drunk lieutenant said, waving her hand animatedly at the woman she called friend.

Shepard stared flatly… then looked down at the hand on the woman's thigh before raising a brow and looking up into the semi-red face of James.

"Oh… uh, hey Lola," the large marine gave a bashful grin, apparently in his own drunkenness not noticing his hand.

Shepard just blinked, "Uh-huh…" she got the feeling she should have known, really, she should have with how today had already gone…

"H-hey, gerl, you should join us!" Ashley was really grinning stupidly as she slid closer to the big marine next to her and nearly off her bar stool.

Shepard's brow rose again as the man's hand traveled upward, seemingly of its own accord, "Perhaps another time," her eyes watched the hand, soon joined by one of Ashley's as she slipped hers onto his shoulder, "James, aren't you supposed to be down in the cargo hold…" her eyes narrowed as the two seemed to just gravitated closer, "Fixing ordinance?"

"Huh?" The jarhead suddenly turned to his commanding officer, as if just noticing her, which probably wasn't far off since Ashley was about in his lap and now biting his ear that turned towards her, "Yea… uh, when Buggy came down him and Esteban went to have some '_fun_' in the Kodiak, and sorry Lola, but I did _**NOT**_ want to see that," he gave a loud chuckle which 'lieutenant' Williams joined him in.

Left brow twitching, "Yea, about that…"

James took a swig of something before giving it to the seriously inebriated Williams, "Ya saw 'em then," he laughed loudly, "Man, ain't that just a trip!"

Twitch, "I'm going to… leave you two… alone," She waved her hand between them before turning to the door.

"Aww, Shepard~~" Ashley whined drunkenly as her friend left, before turning to the marine hunk who's lap she was now sitting in, "THANKS!"

As the door _**wooshed!**_ Closed Shepard flexed her hands. –_Goddamn people…_- here she really needed the booze, but she could not, WOULD _NOT!_ Sit there while those two gushed over each other in some drunken stupor…

With a sudden flash of brilliance, the commander started making her way towards the medbay, surely Dr. Chakwas would have _something_ on hand… or at least an explination to the suddenly high sex-drives of her crew. As Mordin would say, 'Gas perhaps? No, something in the water? Must investigate.'

Stomping her way around the elevator to the starboard side she trailed the wall to the medbay's door. When she was within a foot of the mechanical thing she stopped, just staring at it for a good long second. Was it worth attempting? –_This is Dr. Chakwas? Its not like she'd be stupidly in the arms of… someone… like everyone else… right?_- nodding her head in confirmation, and silent plea, the commander takes a step forward.

As the _**woosh!**_ Of the automated doors clear she's _almost_ not surprised to hear giddy laughter…

"So then, I tell Grunt I'm going to have to sedate him if he doesn't hold still, Dr. Solus was with me at the time, and he says, 'No, normal sedation won't work, give moment, let me whip something up from scratch'!" immediately after the anecdote the Doctor bursts out laughing.

"Oh man, that Mordin," Adams laughs as well, fondly remembering the scientist from the short time he was aboard when he was, "He came down a few times, to 'check out the drive core'," the older engineer used air quotes, "But I knew it was a shame, he was always checking out his Omni-Tool and laughing to himself as Gabby and Ken would bicker, I swear he was doing research on them!"

Both older members of the crew laughed wholeheartedly while Shepard just stood in the doorway staring…

"Oh, Commander!" Dr. Chakwas, who was facing the door, looked up to see the shell-shocked look on the younger woman's face, "by the look on your face I'd say there was something wrong?" despite her concerned tone the smirk on the old doctor's face gave away her amusement.

"Hey Commander," Adams turned around in his chair, grinning ear-to-ear, "Karin here was just telling me old stories from the time I wasn't around…"

"Karin?" ignoring the initial shock, Shepard turned to the doctor, she _never_ went by her first name.

"Yes, well," was the older woman being coy? "Greg here insisted," she chuckled to herself as Shepard continued to stare, "And how could I refuse?" she raised a glass of brandy in her hand, "After all we're headed back to Earth right?"

Adams turned back to the doctor, garnering her attention as he too raised his glass, "Never know what could happen when we get there, Karin."

"Oh, Greg," the old… _couple_… clinked their glasses together and Shepard could only twitch.

Pinching the bridge of her nose the commander closed her eyes, "Is there something going… _around_… I don't know about?" At her odd question both older members of the crew raised a brow, obvious questions in their eyes. Shepard spared them a glance, "Ya know, anything… _strange_… going on with the crew?"

The older couple spared each other a glance then turned back to their commander. "Nope." "Not that I've noticed…?"

Shepard just sighed deeply, "Thanks anyway," she turned around, "I'm going to go… talk… to someone…" with a halfhearted wave of her hand she stepped out of the doorway.

"Commander," both said in unison, the smirks on their lips audible as the door _**wooshed!**_ Closed.

Slumping as she stood outside medbay Shepard wondered what to do now. –_Could go take a nap?_- she snorted at the idea. Sure, they had several _hours_ before hitting Earth, god only knew how long with EDI being… _distracted_… and the commander didn't want to spend the last potential hours of her life snoozing away… even if it _did_ seem like a good idea at the moment…

Out of the corner of her eye she spotted the fridge across from the oddly empty crew deck. As she made her way across the floor she could only snort. –_Guess everyone else is off with __**someone**__…_- she made it to the fridge, opening it and just glowering at the sparse contents. –_What happened to all those supplies I got back on the Citadel?_- there wasn't even a hunk of cheese left to nibble on. Feeling utterly humiliated by the kitchen appliance the great commander slammed the door shut then turning around with her arms crossed and leaned against its back.

This was a bad idea, since across from the kitchen was the medbay, and it had windows, and she was currently viewing Dr. Chakwas and Engineer Adams lip-locked in a passionate way she'd never considered the two capable of…

Twitch.

Hand swiftly met face.

-_Breath in_ - she did. _–Breath out_- she did. In. out. Repeat.

Out of the corner of her eye she spotted the hall to the Main Battery. –_If there's anyone I could talk to about this right now… it'd be Garrus…_- lowering head the commander slipped off the fridge and took slumped steps towards the stairs. –_God I love Garrus…_- she twitched as she recalled all the… '_events_' she'd walked in on. –_Not like that…_- there was an uncomfortable heat on her cheeks as she ascended the steps onto the small hall to the Main Battery. –_He's like a brother to me… a big, creepy, cynical baster of a brother…_- a small grin made it across the woman's face as she started standing just the bit taller, confident in her friend. –_Yea, if anyone could find the humor in all this it'd be him… ol' Scarface_- she actually released a chuckle, standing tall as she came within a few feet of the door. –_Yep, nothing he wouldn't be able to laugh at and help out with…_- she took a step barely a foot from the door…

They _**Wooshed!**_ Open…

… and in front of her was Garrus Vakarian nuzzling intently while 'purring' into the mask of one giggling and just as wrapped up in him Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.

Shepard stared flatly… a small part of her mind stating –_Should'a known!_- but another part, one that quickly started to tug at the corner of her lips said otherwise, "Aww… isn't that cute…"

"Oh!" Tali visibly jumped as the two separated.

"Oh… we were just… uhh…" Garrus wasn't doing any better, his mandibles twitching nervously as his eyes traveled between Shepard and Tali.

"I-I-I w-well just," the Quarian engineer was fiddling with her hands, her nervousness obvious, "Came to say 'goodbye'," she looked down, "and well…"

"Duh… uhh…" The Turian scratched his fringes, looking just as nervous, "I-I think one of my mandibles got hooked on her helmet…"

Tali jumped as his excuse, raising her hands as if making a point, "It might have caused a rupture so I-I asked him to check!"

"W-well cause you know, infection risks," there was a growl as Garrus looked down, "didn't want to jeopardize the mission…"

"So…" Tali was also looking down, her toes fidgeting on the ground as she clasped her hands in front of her.

"Yea…" Garrus finally lowered his hand from his head, also still looking at the ground.

Shepard just smirked, arms crossed as she stared between the two, they were so cute it was ridiculous. –_And at least they 'tried' to explain…_- she had to give them that, out of everyone else she'd 'walked in on' they were at least being the most modest about it. Her grin just grew as they seemed to get more and more nervous with each passing second, "I'm really happy for you," she finally said as both of them looked up at their longtime friend, "both of you."

"Thanks Shepard," Tali sighed with relief, placing her hand over her chest.

"A-apreciated…" Garrus smirked in his own way, "Geuss it helps to have something to come back to," he glanced at Tali sidelong, if he were human Shepard was sure he'd be blushing a new shade of red right now.

"Mmm…" Tali tapped the lower part of her helmet, glancing at him sideways, "What do you mean to come back to?" Tali's eyes crinkled mischievously behind her mask as she crossed her arms, "This is just a fling, Vakarian," she tossed her hand out like it was nothing, but her voice spoke of only mischief and teasing. Then her glowing eyes narrowed on the Turian and if Shepard didn't know any better it looked like stood straighter, "I'm just _uuusing you_ _for your body_…"

Garrus eyes narrowed, somewhat predatory with a devious Turian grin, "You're so mean," before he whispered to the Quarian with that devious smirk of his, "_And I'm okay with that…_"

Whatever devious trickery Shepard had thought about was wiped away as now she was just disturbed. Seeing her 'older brother' and 'little sister' _flirting…_ the human woman resisted the urge to shiver, "Okay, I'm leaving now…" and she turned around and stepped out the door as the two went back to their intimate 'hugging'.

Tali's laughter and Garrus' purring followed the distraught commander out as the door to the Main Battery _**wooshed!**_ Closed behind her.

With her arms still crossed from earlier the commander shivered. Okay, yes, those two were adorable, but just the idea… images… "Ugh…" she shivered again and made her way down the catwalk, stairs and across the empty room towards the elevator, _**COMPLETELY**_ ignoring the medbay. She didn't even want to know or speculate so kept her eyes forward and moved as close to the portside bulkhead as quickly as possible. –_Note to self, request shutters for medbay…_- she thought as she rounded the elevator and loosed one arm to hit the button to call the car down.

The double doors _**wooshed!**_ Open and Shepard stepped in, immediately hitting the '1' button and waiting quietly for the doors to open again at her cabin so she could get some sleep. Yes, sleep, that sounded like a good idea, best to just forget everything she'd just seen. Right.

"Shepard…?" EDI's voice sounded hesitant.

"Yes EDI," the commander responded flatly.

"Are you… alright?" the AI actually sounded worried for a moment.

"I'm fine EDI," she shrugged, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well…" the disembodied voice started, only to stop as if in thought, "Considering…" was she embarrassed? _**She**_ had been part of the problem! "Is there anything I can get you?"

That was an odd question. Shepard just rose a brow at nothing before noticing the '1' appearing, "No, I'll be fine EDI," the doors opened and she stepped out, "Don't break Joker, I kind of need him…" she threw over her shoulder, and in her demented little mind enjoyed the image of the AI blushing as silence prevailed afterwards.

With another _**woosh!**_ Her cabin door opened and she stepped in…

Everything was exactly as she had left it. Releasing a great sigh Shepard uncrossed her arms and slumped into her room, "Thank whatever the hell is out there," she made her way to her office area, noticing space hamster was running on his little wheel. She looked over her desk, cringing slightly at the picture of Kaiden, but smiling as next to it was the frame with her old dog-tags in them that Liara had given her. Above it was her obscure collection of model ships, she didn't even know why she collected them other then they looked kind of cool. Her eyes passed over her private terminal and vaguely remembered Traynor mentioning she had messages. She gave a slight shutter at the idea of Traynor, images of earlier with Allers entering her mind before she vehemently shook her head to be rid of them and murder the blush that came with as she clicked the thing on and skimmed the messages. Most were progress reports, thank-yous, and the like.

Although one _**did**_ stand out as it was sent from Wrex titled 'Sorry about the Table…'Curious, Shepard opened it and it was actually just a long list of the things he'd done, people and things he'd killed, and a small 'Ps' at the bottom that mentioned Eve was pregnant and 'sorry about the conference room table… it might not work so well since it was where they conceived 'Mordin Jr.'' and how much he wished they could have named the kid 'Shepard' instead.

Shepard's left eye twitched as she shuttered and quickly turned off the terminal. –_Even in my own room…_- She shuttered again as she turned towards her aquarium. Fish were easy, simple, didn't go about having sex willy-nilly and breaking government property! Her eyes narrowed on the aquarium as two the eels seemed to be squeezing each other intently…

-_I'm surrounded!_ - quickly the woman turned, scowling heavily, towards her bed. She stared at it for a few seconds before descending the stairs and gracelessly flopping onto it face first. Sleep. Sleep was good. Sleep was a good idea. In sleep she could get away from all the '_looooove_' making going on on _**HER**_ freakin' ship. She raised her head and slammed it on the large cushion, "I'm the goddamn commander of this ship and _**I**_ don't get anything?"

She released a pitiful groan into the mattress.

There was a chime from the door, stating that someone was there.

Shepard groaned again, burying her face into the mattress.

It chimed again.

"I'm coming!" the disgruntled commander pushed herself up off her bed, "Honestly, who's _**not**_ having sex long enough to call on me around here?" with a permanent scowl and narrow eyes she stood up and trudged to the door, glared at it for five seconds, the reached out a hand to hit the button to open it.

Liara was standing on the other side looking rather confused and embarrassed.

Shepard's scowl left and instead just blinked at the Asari doctor/Shadow Broker curiously.

"Um, Shepard," the blue woman started unsure, "EDI told me you required my presence, so-" that's as far as the doctor got as suddenly Shepard had placed both hands on the sides of her face and kissed her deeply, frustratedly, and passionately. When the human woman finally released the hot savory kiss the Arasi was still staring wide eyed and stunned.

"Dr. T'soni," Shepard smirked deviously as she leaned suggestively on the door, "I believe I do _need_ you," she looked the blue alien up and down with no shame, "Preferably naked and on my bed…"

"S-shepard?" Liara could only stare as heat raised on her cheeks turning them a darker shade of blue.

The commander leaned in dangerously close, placing a quicker kiss on the stunned woman's lips before smirking evilly, "That's an order, T'soni…"

For once, being the Commander kicked ass…

xXx

With less than an hour till Earth, Shepard, now with a bounce in her step and devious grin on her lips, stepped into the elevator as she adjusted her belt. The commander absentmindedly hit the '2' button and stood in the center of the elevator humming to herself while tapping her foot.

"You seem to be in a better mood, Shepard," EDI's disembodied voice called over the elevator.

Shepard only grinned wider, "Yea, I suppose I am…"

"You're welcome," The AI giggled to itself as the commander blushed slightly with that stupid grin still plastered on her face, "You seemed like you need to relieve some… _stress_…"

"No kidding," The woman snorted, laughing lightly to herself, "Though I suppose I won't be able to use Liara's expertise on the mission now…"

"I'm sure she understands," it was easy to hear the held-back snickering in the AI's voice.

Shepard could only grin evilly, "If she wakes up before it's over maybe…"

There was silence for a moment, both snickering in their own minds…

"So how's _Jeff_?" Shepard couldn't help but ask.

"Oh, conscious," EDI sounded way too pleased with herself, "If that's what you mean…"

"Sounds good enough for me," Shepard finally finished fiddling with her outfit, just staring at the door in front of her. It dinged, noting it finally reached the second deck, "Oh yea, EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard," The AI responded as the doors opened.

"Next time they rebuild the Normandy, remind them to install locks on all the doors," With that last comment, Commander Shepard stepped out onto the CIC deck.

EDI giggled to herself, "Duly noted, Shepard."

* * *

**A/N:** its something i was honestly wondering... why the hell does EVERY door just **_woosh!_** open with no prompting except the elevator? haven't people in the whatever-century heard of locks? i mean otherwise Shep wouldn't just barge into people's personal business!

as for the couples... -munches popcorn- yea, that... DO NOT ASK WHERE CORTEZ/JAVIK CAME FROM! O.o i don't honestly know... i was just wondering what the hell to do with them... and yea... that... XD

James/Ashley seemed like a setup, especially after that one time you find her drunk on the floor after 'drinking night' with James, and he seems awfully 'happy' to make her eggs the next day :3

Lesbians be Lesbians... why? cause they both hit on my Shep and i was just like 'no...'

Chakwas/Adams... what? old people can't enjoy a drink together? they seemed fine talking when Mordin kicked her outta the medbay and Daniels/Donnelly kicked out Adams...

Speaking of Irish and hot chocolate... -cough- i mean... not only are they obvious, but its also for my girl-friend :3 who loved them XD

random couples are random because they're techs and i been on a ship, no one cares what we 'other' engineers do XD  
or who...

Joker/EDI... nope, ain't gotta say jack -sips maitai-

Garrus/Tali... the whole reason i wrote this! XD

FemShep/Liara... -sips maitai- yep... poor hopeless romantic Shep's got a thing for blue-girls XD first Shi'era in ME1, Samara in ME2, and finally Liara in ME3! XD Kaiden was a fluke :P

well, hope you all had fun with my crack... it was stupidly fun to write again ^.^ and for the required sayings~

Comments, questions, opposing views :3 (review!)

Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!

-Ikasury


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